


Stupid with Love

by phanitup



Category: Phandom/The Fantastic Foursome (YouTube RPF)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Eating Disorder, Eventual Smut, Implied/Referenced Suicide, M/M, Smut
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-08
Updated: 2018-08-20
Packaged: 2019-06-07 05:36:17
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,466
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15212342
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/phanitup/pseuds/phanitup
Summary: Phil fell in love with Dan and never fell out of it. Dan was never in love in the first place.





	1. 2009

**Author's Note:**

> Yes, the title is a reference to Mean Girls.   
> This is my first fanfiction for the Phandom and I'm super excited. Also shoutout to my babe Alex for putting up with me while I freaked out over this.

**2009**

To say Phil was in love was a fucking understatement.

At 22 years old, Phil wasn’t very lucky in love. His first boyfriend at 18 came after years of boys denying his various attempts at asking them out. His anxiety around actually getting into a relationship was squashed every time he stuttered out hello towards a cute boy and they laughed back in his face.

Watching his friends have partners after partners was heart-breaking when all Phil wanted was a chance to feel this so-called love that everyone around him seemed to have. Phil will forever remember crying to his Mum at the age of sixteen that he was unlovable and will forever be unlovable, teenage anxiety sweeping over his body and leaving a heavy weight on his back whenever he witnessed his friends get into another relationship when he couldn’t even get into one.

So, when a boy finally showed interest and answered Phils simple ‘hello’ on Facebook, Phil felt like he was on top of the world. He quickly fell into spending all his wages from his little part time job on gifts and dates on his first boyfriend. Walking around his school hand in hand was his new favourite thing, showing off to his peers and parents that he was lovable – that someone did want to be in a relationship with him.

Being so caught up in his first relationship, he didn’t notice it turn sour pretty quickly. His Mum did, watched the way another boy slowly ruined her son while he stayed completely oblivious to it, arguing with his parents and friends whenever they even mentioned he was taking advantage of Phil.

Instead of presents and dates, his boyfriend began asking for the money instead. With a full heart of love, Phil completely gave in. Immediately transferring all his money as soon as his boss transferred it into his bank account became a monthly thing. Although he couldn’t buy the newest clothes or games, Phil was happy as long as his boyfriend was happy.

Phil didn’t hear the comments his boyfriend gave to his friends.

“I’m only with him because he gives me £100 a month.”

Then the question of sex came into it. Phils friend had constantly bragged about the sex they were having, whether it being one-night stands or with their boyfriend or girlfriend, they talked about it. It was hard at first, not even being able to find someone interested in him for a simple one-night stand while all his friends where having one every other week. He was 17 at this point, porn and masturbation taking over every teenager as hormones grew. Phil was sick of using his right hand if he was honest, even venting his frustrations to his best friend who simply laughed and told him the time would come.

The time did come. And Phil hated it.

Phil expected it to be mind-blowing. A wave of pleasure his right hand could never bring him, a sensation that he will never forget. He also expected it to be loving. Since he knew what sex was, he always imagined his first time to be slow and loving followed by giggles and cuddles. He wished he never had that fucking dream.

He cried after his first time. His boyfriend was rough, using him for his own pleasure, not even being bothered to stretch him or use lube. Phil hadn’t even been in that much pain when he broke his hand a few months earlier. His boyfriend came inside him, not even bothering to clean him up or even making Phil reach his own orgasm before he was muttering an excuse that he had plans with friends and leaving.

The thought of ringing his Mum crossed his mind as he curled up on top of his dorm room bed, crying harder then he ever had and just wanting the comfort of someone. He turned his phone off before he could agree to his thoughts and cried himself to sleep.

He broke it off a month later. Phil couldn’t deal with the unloving sex and constant negative comments. He couldn’t afford to eat most days, constantly sending a majority of his wages to his boyfriend. He was sick of it. This wasn’t the relationship he watched his friends be in. This wasn’t the loving relationship he always wanted.

After that, he refused to settle for anything unless he knew it was going to be the loving relationship he craved for. His Mum watched him come home after countless unsuccessful first dates, crying himself to sleep when he thought his parents and brother were asleep. Phil started to believe he was truly unlovable, his previous teenage thoughts flooding back into his mind.

Until four years past and he met Dan.

Phil had turned to making his own videos as he lost friends when he turned nineteen. He had always been a social person growing up, and the sudden loss of friends wasn’t a situation he took well. Talking to a camera allowed him to feel wanted even if the conversation was always one sided. By the time 2009 rolled around, he had gained an active following that actually watched his videos. One of them being Dan Howell.

A simple reply to a tweet turned into dms, texts and into Phils new favourite thing, skype calls. Nothing made him smile as much as talking to Dan until two in the morning, having someone listen to what he says and replying with genuine care was something that instantly lift Phils spirit. Skype calls turned into a daily routine that ended up lasting for months and before he knew it, Dan had booked tickets to meet him.

That week was the best thing that Phil had ever experienced. A lot of flirting and cuddling warmed Phils heart and left him in a good mood that lasted way after Dan left. No one had ever made him feel as wanted and giddy as Dan did. Phil had fallen madly in love with Dan, and this was a fact he was very proud to boast about. His Mum, Dad and brother had to deal with Phil constantly talking about Dan, grinning and blushing every time he mentioned how cute something Dan did was. His Mum was delighted, finally happy his son had someone who valued him unlike his previous boyfriend and friends who hurt him badly. Someone who made Phil happy and proud to be who he was.

His Mum wasn’t surprised when Phil admitted to her that he was going to ask Dan out at the Halloween gathering he was attending later that month. She watched her son practise his speech in the mirror each night, buying the most expensive flowers he could find in preparation for the gathering to come around. When Phil asked his Mum if Dan would say yes when the nerves hit him hard, she strongly replied that he would say yes. She had watched him talk to Dan, watched the video they recorded together, she saw the connection the two had and truly believed she’d met her sons future husband.

This was the first time her maternal instinct failed her.

Phil never text her throughout the time he was down south. She assumed Dan had said yes and the two were doing loving stuff that she’d rather not think about her son doing. But she just knew her son was happy and that she would pass the fact that Phil wasn’t replying to her just this once.

So, to hear her son walk in and instantly break down against the front door was a shock. Her other son – Martyn – instantly left his spot on the couch to meet his younger brother at the door. Her instinct was to comfort her son, but she knew he wouldn’t want to be bombarded with herself and his brother. She had to ignore the deep desire to go and comfort her son when Martyn told her Phil wanted a few hours alone.

Phil walked down a few hours later, instantly cuddling into her side. She let him remain quiet until he wanted to speak, simply being there for her son.

“He said no.”

Phil had never been so broken before in his life. He had promised himself he’d never let himself be unhappy again. Even when he lost all his friends, he turned his loneliness into a positive thing. Talking to a camera gained him a following of 80,000 people that truly allowed him to feel less alone. His first relationship was something he never wanted again, really wanting to find a loving relationship that would last a long time. He finally thought he had found that with Dan. He thought he had read all the signs right. Dan had been flirting with him and cuddled into him as they fell asleep earlier that month, he truly believed Dan felt the exact same way he did.

Dan looked adorable in his bear outfit. Phil had proudly told him that which was followed by a smirk and a flirty reply, something that had became very common between the two. Phil was ecstatic to ask Dan out, truly believing full heartily that Dan would say yes.

His mind was full the entire day, and for once he welcomed it. Thoughts of what it would feel like to kiss Dan was his favourite, he simply couldn’t wait to see how they would work together. He also couldn’t wait to fuck Dan. His masturbation sessions lately had contained Dan in one way or another. Thinking how Dan would feel around him, how his moans would sound like. How loving it would be.

Phil truly couldn’t wait for the best day of his life.

They were alone, sitting away from the rest of the group. They were quiet, comfortable silence sweeping over them. He was just building up the courage to start the conversation, to ask Dan to be his finally.

Deciding to just fuck it, he turned towards Dan who replied with a small smile. Leaning forward, he kissed Dan. He felt his heart explode. He felt the connection instantly, the spark set off within him. He felt truly content. He knew he could get used to this. Until Dan pulled away.

“Woah Phil, what are you doing?”

“I…what? I, um, tho-thought you wanted this?”

“No. Phil, you’re my best friend and I do love you, but not in that way.”

“So-sorry. Just with all the flirting and cuddling I thought you felt that way.”

“That’s just me Phil, I’m a very affectionate guy. That’s how I act with all my close friends.”

Phil had to look down at his shoes, shouting at himself not to cry for god sake. He couldn’t look weak. He couldn’t look heartbroken. He had put this façade on before.

“Its just a stupid crush, it’ll go away. I hope we can still be friends?”

“Of course, silly, you’re my best friend!”

Phil was unlovable, he knew this. No one would ever love him. He was destined to have his heart broken.


	2. 2012

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings - angst, swearing, hurt!phil, suicide attempt reference,mention of sex, v-day video

**2012**

If there was one thing Phil was thankful for, it was that he and Dan actually stayed friends. Best friends even. They had this unbreakable bond that hadn’t even been altered when Dan got himself a boyfriend back in 2010. Although it stung every time Phil watched Dan kiss his boyfriend or hear him moan through their shared walls, he was just happy Dan was happy. To Dans knowledge, Phil had gotten over that ‘silly little crush’ fairly quickly. Phil thinks he should be an actor how easily he can fake his emotions. Because it was the quite opposition. When Dan moved to Manchester, Phil fell even harder. Seeing Dan twenty-four seven just gave Phil even more reasons to love him even more. So, when Dan admitted to Phil with a shy blush on his face that he was asked out by his close university friend and said yes, Phil had to force a huge smile on his face while battling back tears.

Even if he had to bite his knuckles so hard they bled that night just to muffle his sobs, he was just glad Dan was happy. And he never knew that would end up being his downfall.

Their channels had grown fast. They were both nearing the one million marks – Dan more so than Phil – and had been offered a radio show at the BBC. They had both made a decision to move to London next month, an empty flat already waiting for them.

Dans boyfriend David wasn’t moving with them. Something Phil, although he wouldn’t admit it, was very thankful for. It was something Phil constantly reminded himself when David spent almost days at a time at the flat. It was hard watching them constantly cuddle, something Dan and Phil used to do in late 2009 and early 2010. Phil didn’t know if he missed having affection or Dan more. The sex they had every night wasn’t easy to hear also. The noises and loving words that he heard whispered were the hardest. It was everything Phil ever imagined to have in sex. Something he had yet to have. Although he had two one-night stands since 2009, they were both meaningless fucks that left Phil emptier than he had been before.

That and also because it was David that was fucking Dan slow and loving and not him.

The thing that made Phil actually leave the house and cry in some back alley was when he overheard Dan whisper into David’s neck while they cuddled up.

“I don’t want to move. I’d much rather stay here with you. You are much more important to me than Phil and YouTube.’

Phil had to put on a smile for the remaining months and pretend he never heard that. As long as Dan was happy he was happy. And maybe Dan wasn’t happy right now. The week before they were planning to move out, Phil pulled Dan aside before they began to pack up their stuff.

“Dan, if you don’t want to move to London, that’s okay. I can do this radio show alone or if they don’t want that there’s other YouTube duos out there.” Phil did want this opportunity, a lot. But Dan came first to him, even though he didn’t come first to Dan.

Dan shook his head. “No, I want this. It could boast our channels massively and it sounds cool being involved in a radio show.” He looked up at Phil, a look floating over his face that had slowly became a common thing when he looked directly at Phil. “And don’t call us a duo, that’s not what we are.”

Phil thought things would get easier once they moved to London and David was a simple visit every few months. He thought he and Dan could regain the friendship they lost when David entered their lives. But then that fucking video was leaked.

When Phils Mum realised herself that this crush was a serious crush that Phil wouldn’t get over as quickly as she once believed, she gave him an idea that she had once used to get over a serious crush when she was twenty-two. Getting out everything she wanted to do with her crush helped her a lot, made her feel like she had actually done it and allowed her to get over him quickly.

She never watched the video herself, but she knew Phil had filmed it. She heard him as she talked to his camera like he was talking to Dan himself at two in the morning a few weeks after the gathering.

Phil felt free making that video. He could kid himself for a few fucking minutes that Dan had said yes, and they were living the perfect relationship Phil imagined they would have. Dates, cuddles, sex, dreams. They were all there. He even went as far as logging into Dans account and commenting as it was Dan himself. It allowed him to escape. It didn’t get him over his crush like his Mum imagined. But, watching that video and seeing the comment allowed him to kid himself they were together for a few hours and make him happy.

Dan was beyond angry when he first watched the video. He found out through his boyfriend angrily ringing him and asking if he had been cheating on him the whole time. Phil didn’t know the video had been leaked at this time and had actually been happily editing his latest video when Dan stormed into his room.

“What the fuck?” He pushed his laptop into Phil roughly, his phone still lodged into his hand where Phil could see he was still on a call to David. Phil was confused at first, turning the laptop around so he could actually look at what his best friend was so worked up over.

He felt sick was how Phil would describe the feeling to his Mum a few days later. The colour vanished from his face, his eyes instantly tearing up as he interlocked with his own eyes on the screen and watched his very personal video gain more views every second. His private video which wasn’t so private anymore.

“I…um. I-I…” He couldn’t explain this. He either lied to Dan which he never wanted to do or tell Dan he was desperately in love with him while David was on the phone hearing everything.

“People are going crazy over this Phil. People are saying this proves we’re fucking together.” He took a deep breath, staring at Phil when a few tears fell down his cheek. “Why the fuck did you make this video and why did you use my account to create this fucking conversation saying we love each other on this video.”

Phil pushed the laptop away, not being able to look at it without it directly sending a spark to Phils heart. “It…It’s just a jo-joke…”

“You still love me don’t you.” He heard David laugh through the phone, making him involuntarily look down at his hands as his vision blurred with tears. A chuckle flood the room again, this time Phil knew it was Dans. “I knew you did. I knew you fucking did.”

He grabbed his laptop, slamming it closed and taking a few steps backward as if he was going to leave the room. “Stop pathetically pining over me. Its stupid. You tell the fans it was an April fools joke and delete every video you fucking see. Now, get over yourself. I’m going to spend time with my actual boyfriend who isn’t you. Who will never be you.”

Phil broke down later when Dan left, angrily shouting at him that he was going to Manchester for a few days to be with David. To be away from Phil. He had never screamed so much in his life, never had cried as much. His neighbour had even come over and asked if he was alright which was answered with a teary voice and returned with a sad smile.

This video was his escape from when he felt trapped watching Dan live his life without Phil by his side. With David by his side instead. It allowed him to be happy for a few hours and that was now ripped away from him. His happiness was ripped away from him. He shouted at his Mum down the phone for a few hours on and off.

“Why did you make me record that video!”

“Why did you allow myself to kid myself!”

“Why did you tell me he’d say yes!”

He didn’t hang up until he couldn’t breath anymore, his crying completely clouding him. He would later be outrageous at himself for the way he screamed at his Mum but at that moment, he needed it. He needed to scream at something other than his pillow and reflection.

He contemplated hurting himself that night. Staring at that razor he knew he could end all the hurt and the pain he was currently feeling, he knew he could and he so badly wanted that to happen. Dan was the reason he put that razor down. He didn’t burst through the door expressing his apologises or ring him saying he felt bad about what he said. No, the simple thought of never seeing Dan again was what made it happen. Dan didn’t give a shit about him, he hadn’t for the last few months, but Phil had memories. Early on DMs of Dan telling Phil he was insecure and wanted to harm himself, early skype calls of Dan telling Phil he was so glad he had Phil because he might have harmed himself if he didn’t. Dan had David now to express his feelings, deep down Phil knew that, but he allowed the past memories to come up on top.

Even in his lowest moments when it was Dan that brought him to contemplate taking his life, Dan saved his life.

Phil loved Dan too much. And it was becoming harmful.


	3. 2015

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings - angst, eating disorder, anorexia, bulimia, hurt!phil

**2015**

Heart eyes Howell.

Phil slammed his laptop down, throwing his head back against his pillow. Looking through Tumblr after a video used to be common practise, something that eased his nerves and made him realise people liked his videos. Now, it was just hell. Seeing gifs and videos of ‘heart eyes Howell’ was tearing him apart. The fans used these moments to prove that Dan and Phil were a couple, and that was wrecking Phil slowly.

He didn’t know how dangerous it would become.

Dan broke up with David in 2013 and they slowly rekindled their friendship. Dan was still weary around Phil and he didn’t think he would ever not be weary around him. They never talked about Phils feelings towards Dan, it was a subject that was locked away and was to never be brought up. But Dan wasn’t stupid. If Phil kept his feelings after 2009 until 2012, who’s to say he would get over them by 2015.

Phil hooked up with eight people in 2012. And he allowed every one of them to use him for their own desires. Just like his ex-boyfriend in 2009. Phils dream of a loving and caring relationship was out the window after the incident in 2012. He felt empty and he just wanted someone to touch him when he felt no one would even look at him.

Dan and Phil had come a long way since 2012 career wise. The move to London was a gamble, they had only been promised four weeks on the radio show as a test run to see if they fit in with the BBC and gather enough views and sure enough, they pulled through. They were offered a year contract which was renewed at the end of 2013 and they could finally live comfortably without worrying if they would have enough money for tomorrows dinner.

Their fanbase grew, Dans more than Phils, until they both reached one million followers in 2013. The fame was frightening for Phil. With every new subscriber, he was pressured to create new content that would keep people interested in him. Dan had it easy. With his good looks and irresistible charm, he was gaining subscribers by the thousands even though he hadn’t posted a video in a month.

Phil didn’t have that. Without fail, comments would spread of ‘Phils bad looks’ and ‘annoying voice’ which at the start would leave him feel miserable but now, he was just used to it. Phil had actually thought he was good looking at the start of 2013. He could go to a pub and easily pick up someone to have sex with if he wanted and would never leave empty handed. Although he had his insecurities as a teenager, he grew past them once 2011 hit. He didn’t even halt when the 2012 incident occurred. It was the growing hate comments left on the BBC radio show and his own videos that threw him back to hating himself for his looks.

Now he just agreed with every comment without a second thought.

2014 brought the writing of their first book. With their growing audience, they decided to give them something back. Halfway through the writing of the book they decided to throw together a tour to do after the release of the book. It was stressful and nerve wracking, but it was all going to be worth it.

All these feelings and thoughts gathered up in Phil, and alongside his intense feelings for Dan, they very quickly became dangerous and harmful.

Phil stopped eating.

At first, it was just time management. Skipping a meal just to finish the chapter he was working on was easier then leaving it and losing his flow and having to rewrite it. That lost him a few pounds and a compliment from Dan.

“Bro, you’re looking good lately. Bet you’re getting a lot of attention.’

Maybe Dan didn’t like him because he was fat? Maybe he liked skinnier men. David worked out and ate healthily and Dan fell for him instantly. Even if it didn’t gain romantic attention from Dan, any attention would be fine. He began to skip more meals on purpose now. It started with just missing one meal a day which was innocent enough in Phils eyes. It was just a little weight loss diet, everyone did it. At the beginning it was ecstatic, looking at the scales every night made him more happier and the growing compliments from not only dan, but strangers on the street was boosting his confidence significantly. Phil would look at himself after a shower and grin at how his love handles and stomach flab was shrinking.

It grew to be not so innocent after a few weeks. Frustrated that he wasn’t losing as much weight as he once did and that the number of compliments he received was nearing zero, he began to skip two meals a day. The scales haunted him. His weight wasn’t decreasing as fast as he liked, and he hated it. He detested using the scales, but it was an addiction at that point to step on the scales before bed and see if he had reached the stone mark yet. Looking at himself in the mirror wasn’t fun anymore, it was horrific, and all Phil could see was fat.

No wonder Dan didn’t like him romantically. He was gross.

Once he could see the outline of his ribs, he began to throw up. Although he skipped two meals a day, he felt sickly after the meals he did have, and he hated the feeling. He felt greasy and full and really it wasn’t a surprise that one morning while the shower was running, he placed two fingers down his throat and brought up his breakfast. It wasn’t a surprise that he began to do that with every piece of food he ate.

He was weak and inside his mind he knew he had to get help before it quickly took over his whole life, but the book was going to be released any day now and then the tour should start. Phil couldn’t let the fans down. He couldn’t let Dan down. He would push through and get help once everything was passed.

Phil reopened his laptop. Scrolling past the various art and phanfiction of him fucking his crush, he reached the compliments telling Phil he was glowing and perfect and everything they ever wanted. It was his guilty pleasure purposely seeking out the members of his fan base that boasted about Phil every day. His weight loss was a good thing and he was beginning to be at least half as attractive as Dan. Maybe one day he would be close to the level of beauty Dan was. He knew he would never reach the same level, Dan was fucking something else, but he dreamed of a day where he would gain the same attention from fellow youtubers and their fanbase that Dan did.

Heart eyes Howell.

Groaning, Phil shut his laptop down for the rest of the day. He wished he could just send out a tweet telling the fans that Dan didn’t love him, they weren’t in a fucking serious relationship and they never will be even though he wishes they were. He knows he can’t though. He has to just let the fans ship him and his best friend even if it damages him more every day.

He remembers talking to Dan about how they get shipped more and more with every video and Dan just laughed, “It’s funny watching them spectacle, entertains me quite a lot. Plus, my subscribers have boosted quite a lot, so I’m not opposed to it.”

Phil wishes he saw it as a joke as well. He wishes he could laugh at it instead of crying every time the fans decided they had new evidence that proved they were together. He wishes it boosted his YouTube career as much as it did Dans. But Dan was sitting there with a grin on his face and very rapidly reaching five million subscribers while Phil was trapped with a broken heart and just over two and a half million subscribers.

He’s not shocked though. Dan was always the funnier and handsomer one of the both, it makes sense for him to have more subscribers. Phil was disgusting and unfunny and was only someone because he was best friends with Dan Howell.

If he lost slightly more weight maybe he’d hit the three million marks quicker. Maybe he could see the whole phan situation as a joke. Maybe he could be fucking happy.

Breakfast was cut out of his routine after that. He didn’t eat a single meal at all, occasionally keeping himself alive with a bite of whatever he could find. He began to throw up even when he hadn’t eaten in two days. His mouth stung from his own stomach acid being forced up, but it was an addiction at this point.

And if Dan noticed, he didn’t say anything.


	4. 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Warnings - angst, eating disorder, anorexia, bulimia, hurt!phil
> 
> Sorry for such a late update! I've been busy applying for universities and being a super cool bridesmaid.

He never said anything.

The book reached the bestseller and they nearly sold out their near world tour. How they went from simply touring the UK ended with them finishing the tour a year and a half later in Australia, he’ll never know. But it was thrilling and the best thing Phils ever been apart of and he’d do it again in a heartbeat if he could.

Which was what led to him in Europe, roughly at the beginning of their second world tour. God, he never imagined they’d ever become anything like this. Dan and Phil, sensational duo with two books and two world tours. Super best friends with an undying connection.

Super best friends.

Phil loved touring, don’t get him wrong. But being stuck for five months with no escape from the crush of nearly ten years, it fucking hurt. He still wasn’t eating and with every new ‘phan’ theory – which were more common than ever these days – he would find himself head first in a toilet.

He would tell Dan when the tour was over. He said that the last tour as well. Maybe he wouldn’t tell Dan. He didn’t care anymore. He was living with his ribs on show with shaky feet and he didn’t have it in him anymore to want to get better. Hooking up with strangers at each stop followed by throwing up became as normal as performing the show.

The show didn’t finish when they left the stage, it turned into a tragedy as it lasted well into the night.

Sweden was a stop they had visited the last tour, so it wasn’t new but still thrilling and beautiful to visit. When everyone was out walking around, Phil stayed at the hotel, throwing up everything he had ate on the plane. Throwing up was more exciting to Phil then visiting Sweden, as much as he wished it wasn’t.

He was feeling worse and worse, and he could psychically feel his life slipping away from him. He knew he’d never live to get married or have kids. He didn’t think he’d do that anyway. He was thirty-one and still couldn’t get over Dan. Time was sweeping away from him outside his eating disorder, and he wouldn’t have time to meet anyone and settle down. Which was probably another reason he didn’t get help from anyone. It was one of his dreams since an early age to get married and have children, and with the knowledge that wouldn’t be happening, he allowed the eating disorder to slowly kill him.

It wasn’t a surprise really that he’d end up fainting. He knew it would come eventually, shocked that he hadn’t before. He just didn’t expect it to happen while on stage, in front of thousands of people where at least one was filming. In front of his management and crew. In front of Dan.

Watching the video from that one person who was defiantly filming the whole show was heart-breaking. Dan screaming his name and running over to him, carrying him off stage. Sometimes he forgot Dan actually cared about him. Phil was usually caught up in the fact that Dan didn’t care about Phil in a romantic sense.

When he woke up in the hospital, Dan was sitting next to him. He looked worried and stressed and, in that moment,  Phil hated himself for inflicting these emotions on his best friend. Dan cried, begged him to tell him why he never said anything about the starving and throwing up. Phil cried as well, unable to tell him the real reason and created a bullshit excuse about wanting to look more impressionable for the fans. It wasn’t a total lie, it just wasn’t the whole truth.

Dan insisted on postponing the show and did it anyway even though Phil sobbed and shouted that he didn’t want that – that he didn’t want to disappoint the fans. Phil had only checked the internet once since Dan sent out a tweet explaining that Phil needed to rest and get better therefore all dates will be postponed.

He always knew he wasn’t the favourite out of the duo but to see it so clearly written all over twitter was too much.

‘Just do the show solo Dan, we all know we’re just showing up for you’

‘Thinking of you Dan, this must be so hard’

‘Why does Dan keep letting Phil drag him down?’

He refused to look at the internet after that. He also spent a lot of time ignoring Dan. Dan, who bless him, was spending every waking second making sure Phil ate something or that he didn’t throw up, was beginning to annoy Phil very quickly. Throwing up was Phils safety net. Whenever he read something that was a bit too mean or felt an intense overflow of feelings for Dan, he would excuse himself and throw up for a few minutes and allow himself to calm him down. And Dan had ripped that safety net away from him.

“Phil, come on, you need to eat.” Phil was lying in bed, happily sulking away before Dan barged in with a plate of pasta.

He huffed, sitting up slightly and looking at him. “Not hungry.” He played with hands, sighing when he looked up and saw Dan still staring at him, shoving the plate into his hands, “I ate a breakfast bar before, I’m not hungry.”

“It’s also 7pm and that’s all you’ve ate.” Phil knew Dan was right, but his eating disorder was shining through and telling him that the fans might like him a bit more if he lost a bit more weight. “Phil, what’s wrong?”

Phil mumbled. “Nothing, just feeling bad all of a sudden.” The plate was placed on the nightstand, abandoned for the time being. Dan moved to sit next to Phil, turning his head to look at him.

“Talk to me.”

“You wouldn’t get it.” Phil moved his head back down to look at his hands, not baring to look into Dans intense stare anymore.

“I won’t get it if you don’t talk to me.”

Phil doesn’t know why that bothered him so much. But, he was tired, grumpy and just wanted to be left alone. Dan wasn’t fucking helping. It didn’t help that most of his problems was caused by his everlasting crush on Dan. He couldn’t exactly tell Dan that he was feeling incredibly lonely and started starving himself in some last hope that Dan would actually see in a romantic sense.

It was inevitable that he’d snap. “It’s you.” He let his eyes water, biting his lip.

“Me? What have I done?” 2012 was going to be repeated again, Phil could sense it. Dan and Phil had both matured since then, and Dan no longer had a boyfriend, but Phil was always looking at the negatives.

“I-I tr-tried getting over it Dan. I…you t-told me you just w-wanted to b-be n-nothing more than friends a-and I- I respected that a-and I tried mo-moving on, b-but I c-couldn’t get over you Dan.”

“I thought we left this in 2012.” Dan hadn’t burst out the door laughing and in disgust like he had last time, but Phil didn’t miss the way he subconsciously scooted away from Phil and allowed his voice to become snappy.

Phil allowed a few tears to fall down his cheek. “Its apart of the reason I stopped eating.”

“I wish I could say I felt the same way just to help you, but I don’t Phil. All this time you’ve liked me? How many times have we shared a bed? Cuddles?!” Phil didn’t miss the way Dan stared at him, but he refused to figure out the emotions he was showing. Phil didn’t need that.

“I made sure to keep my feelings separate Dan.”

“How the fuck am I supposed to know that Phil?” There was silence for a few seconds, ad Phil doesn’t know if he welcomed or despised that. “When we’re doing stuff like that, you’re imaging we’re together, aren’t you?”

“No, I d-don’t do that da-dan. I think I’m l-lucky that I h-have a best friend w-who cares about me. A-all th-those nights I came o-over when your de-depression got worse had no-nothing to d-do with how I fe-felt dan. it w-was me try-trying to make s-sure y-you were okay and th-that I wo-wouldn’t l-lose you”

The bed moved, and Phil felt it hit him, attacking his heart again in a similar fashion to how he felt in 2012 when that fucking video leaked. He couldn’t lose Dan again, he couldn’t let his whole world collapse around him. He didn’t need his eating disorder to get worse – his body didn’t need that.

“We left this in 2012 for a reason. Stop longing over a kiss.”


	5. 2018

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh man, this is the shittest ending you'll ever read to a story. Apparently, I can't write endings.

**2018 - a few months later**

Dan changed. Phil doesn’t know what it is, but he’s known Dan long enough to notice a change in his emotions.

He’s more protective of Phil, that’s something Phils defiantly picked up on. When Phils insisting on going to some shady bar to pick up some guy to forget his feelings for the might, Dans there forcing him to play Mario Kart and order some takeaway. Which Phils still reluctant to eat, but he’s trying.

Or maybe Phils new favourite thing, Dan sleeping in his bed when he’s feeling really shit and just doesn’t want to eat for a few days. Dan used the argument ‘You do it when I’m depressed, I’m just repaying the favour’ but Phil knows Dan's not someone who just goes around and does something because someone else did it for him as well.

Phil doesn’t know what’s gotten into Dan, but he’s not complaining.

Which was what led them here. A night where Phil contemplated drowning his sorrows in some gay bar ended with Dan and Phil both giggling over an episode of Buffy as they sat together tipsy on the couch.

“I will never forgive Joss Whedon for killing off Tara.”

“Willow and Tara were how I figured out I was gay.”

“A lesbian couple made you realise you were gay?”

They were pressed firmly against each other, their feet interlocked, and arms pressed together. They had been pretty stressed that week, planning the return of the tour in a few weeks. Phil was more worried than Dan – after all he was the reason the tour had to be postponed in the first place. But he was recovering, something he was proud of, and his doctor had officially passed him as healthy enough to tour for a few months without it being dangerous.

Phil took another swig of the vodka, nodding at Dan before handing him the bottle. He chuckled and accepted it, gagging as he took a sip himself. Phil had always been able to handle his alcohol more than Dan.

“Can…Can I tell you a secret?” Dan looked at Phil, nervously biting his lip and intertwining their feet together even more. Phil nodded, looking back at Dan. “I think I like you too.”

If you asked Phil what Dan was going to say, it wouldn’t have been that. Phil was expecting Dan to spurt out nonsense about how he stole Phil's socks which Phil would have just rolled his eyes at. He already knew that, it wasn’t like Dan owned the fox socks that were on his feet right now.

But that? Phil had waited nearly nine years to hear that line, and he hadn’t expected it to happen on a Thursday night while they were both dressed in pyjamas, tipsy off a too expensive bottle of vodka.

“What?”

“I, I don’t know. I guess I always just hid my feelings away.” He took a deep breath, removing his gaze from Phil and moving it to their feet. “They came out when you mentioned you still liked me a few months ago.”

“You…what?” Phil was mad, and he didn’t care if it was understandable or not. He had waited nine years for this fucking moment. Nine years of wondering why he wasn’t good enough. Years of starving himself and throwing up. And here Dan was, with a couple-month-old crush that he hidden away when he knew the unrequited feelings was a part of the reason of Phils pain.

Phil left the room, moving to his bedroom and falling flat onto his bed. He sobbed – quite a lot. He heard a few knocks on his door, but he ignored them, and Dan didn’t take any effort to just walk in. Maybe he was giving Phil space; maybe he just didn’t give that much of a shit. How was is it fair that Dan could just blurt out his feelings after only a few months where it took Phil months to even prepare to ask Dan out. How was it fair that Dans feelings were requited and he knew he wouldn’t be embarrassed where Phils were unrequited and he was embarrassed for nine years.

How was it fair that Phil wanted nothing else than to kiss Dan.

He eventually fell asleep, hugging his pillow close to him. He found Dan laying against his door, asleep with his head balanced on his shoulder. Phil found it endearing, his heart breaking at the fact Dan stayed there all night just waiting and had fallen asleep from exhaustion. He sighed, crouching down next to him and shaking Dan awake.

It took him a few minutes to fully wake up, rolling his neck a few times from the harsh pain that would have led from sleeping in an awkward place the whole night. He rubbed his eyes, smiling slightly at Phil before sitting straight.

“So-sorry.”

Phil rubbed his cheek, sighing and looking at him. “It’s okay. Why don’t we go sit somewhere comfier?”

They moved back to Phils bed, Dan leaning against the headboard and Phil sitting crossed leg in front of him. They sat in silence for a bit, Dan watching Phil who kept his head down and played with the sheets underneath him.

“I like you. I guess I’ve always had some sort of feelings for you, but I just never let them come out.”

Phil nodded, gulping as he looked back up at Dan who smiled in return. “I’ve liked you for nine years.”

“Can I kiss you?”

Nine years. Nine years of being best friends with Dan. Two books that reached the top seller. Two near sold-out world tours. Ten million fans between them both with three successful channels with two extra ones on the side. Nine years of happiness, laughter, sadness, anger. Nine years of Dan and Phil. Nine years of love.

Phil kissed Dan. And this time, Dan kissed back.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ah, I am so thankful for everyone who left kudos and comments on this story. They mean a lot to me so thank you, again. Hopefully, I'll be writing another chaptered story that's slightly longer but I'm going into my last year of college so who knows.


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